Who Am I?

My name is Jess Miykal-Li, but you can call me Jess. I am 22 years old and am Jewish. I was born in to Christianity, however as I grew up I found that 2+2 just wasn't adding up to 4 for me regarding believing in Christianity. My husband says I am very logical and that I require things to make sense, they must be logical as well as ethical for me to believe in them. My husband, in case it doesn't become apparent, is Christian.

I felt throughout my childhood that when I would have one question regarding Christianity answered suddenly I would find 3 or 4 more. I continued trying to believe, trying to convince myself that what I felt was a belief and an understanding, that Jesus died for my sins, but it never felt quite right. Instead of feeling at peace with my religion, like I could talk to G-d when I needed to and not feel ashamed I felt like he was a parental and authoritative figure, as if I had to be deceptive and ashamed of any mistakes I made, repent, and promise to never do them again.

By age 18 I was pretty positive I was deemed to hell even though I had tried so hard to be a good person. I was physically assaulted right before my 18th birthday and I recall telling myself that this must be punishment from G-d for my previous sins. At this time I found it hard to pray, meditate, or attend church; I stopped going all together.

In 2010 I began questioning my religious views and thought processes. I challenged myself to research and study a wide array of religions including Christianity, Hinduism, Atheism, Judaism, Scientology, and Islam. It's kind of funny how it happened, because until I stumbled upon a Jewish website I knew very little of the Jewish people. I had learned of the Holocaust in school, and I had heard the stereotypes about Jewish people, most of them being rather rude.

Until last year, however, I had never really researched religions of any type. I blindly took what I had been taught as a child, thinking that if one didn't believe in Jesus as their savior they were deemed to Hell and that not believing that Jesus is their savior meant they were Atheist. When I began to read about Judaism I realized that what I read seemed to come straight from my heart. It may seem cliche or silly to some, maybe incomprehensible to others, but it is true. The more I read, the more it all lined up with things I had always believed in my heart. The ethics and logic that are so deeply intertwined in to this religion made it easy for me to understand why rules and restrictions (also known as Mitzvahs) were in place. No rule seemed or seems silly or illogical, I don't dread eating kosher, or lighting candles and saying blessings on Friday nights. When I found Judaism I realized how at home, loved, understood, and accepted so many people feel within their own religions.

I have struggled with things such as my pre existing tattoos, and I believe I will continue to struggle with them. One of which bothers me so much I am looking in to having it removed (it is nothing vulgar, simply a cross with a verse from the New Testament above it). I plan to speak to my Rabbi about it, as I argue within my own head frequently -  maybe I should keep it as to not defile my body more (by removing it) after all it represents my life before Judaism, before I  held myself accountable to these Mitzvahs. And then I counter argue that with what others in my Shul will think of me when or if they see it, I wonder what G-d thinks of me having a verse from the New Testament, a section of the Christian bible that the Hebrew bible does not have. I assume it will be an ongoing struggle I will have with myself, dealing with choices I have made in the past.

I have taken all my learning in strides, I have taken weeks at a time to meditate on certain revelations. I have taken the steps to change my lifestyle slowly so that I wouldn't shock my system. At first I began  reading my Tanakh weekly at minimum (which I still do, although most evenings I will read either a bit of the Tanakh or a few pages from 1 of many of my Jewish Ethics books). From there I studied about kashrut (the dietary laws set in place in Judaism) and I stopped eating pork. A few months later, my husband and I vowed to stop eating out aside from on our anniversaries and birthdays. This cut out all fast food which has enhanced our bank account and decreased our waist sizes substantially, which were both nice bonuses added to eating Kosher simpler for me. This summer I began to cycle out all the food in our home (except for the few things that only my husband eats) with pareve (neither milk nor meat product) substitutes. For example, I replaced butter with margarine so that I can cook with it and what is cooked can be ate with meat products. We have gone on scavenger hunts at multiple grocery stores to find kosher items - things such as soy sauce, mayo, margarine, salt, pepper, and other spices, to name a few.

Now I am to the point where I am beginning to try kosher recipes and put together kosher meals. I have started this blog as a way to document what I make.